Pause; now breathe.

A semi-colon is a place in a sentence where the author has the decision to stop with a period, but chooses not to. A semi-colon is a reminder to pause and then keep going. 

Philippians 1:6  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. 

*He is still working on me.*

Today I went with my family and allowed a tattoo artist to make a permanent reminder on my arm to keep going - and to not let depression win. I decided to write it in my own handwriting so that my mother could keep it with her forever, as well as making it a true part of myself. 

My junior year of college may have seemed like the best year of my college career. I moved into a new house, was halfway finished with my degree, and was involved in a sorority of 100+ sorority sisters. But by the end of the first semester, I was taking anti-depressants every morning just to get out of the bed. I lost friendships because I spent my free time alone. I let my grades slip because I couldn't focus during classes and ended up not going. Depression had started taking a lot of things away from me. By senior year, I was in high water with wedding planning, graduating, and finding a "big kid" job post-graduation. The stress that came with all of these events, wasn't helping the fact that I couldn't see any motivation for what should have been the happiest parts of my life. Depression was a shadow that followed me after graduation and into our new place in a new town, where we knew absolutely no one. I spent the first two months of our time in South County alone while Zachary worked, and I desperately searched for a job. I spent a lot of time letting depression become this cloud that would follow me around. I let depression be an excuse to stop doing the things that I loved. I let depression become the reason why I stopped connecting with my friends. I let depression become me. That's when I finally realized that I needed to break the relationship that me and depression had created.

There is not a doubt in my mind that the stigma that society has created around mental illness has made it much more difficult for struggling individuals to come forward to find the help that they need. For myself, asking for help meant trying to explain the unexplainable to someone who has never felt the feeling. Like trying to explain to a wall how to walk. It seemed impossible. Not only did it feel impossible, it felt pointless. So many times when I would just be quiet, or not wanting to "go out," I would get the guilt trip, "oh come on! Come have fun and don't be a party pooper!" How could I explain to those same people the feeling of depression, when all I expected to hear back was, "It'll be okay, just try and be happy." It's so much harder than that to be honest. And personally, I hate the quote, "You create your own happiness." I can't stand when people post this. Sometimes, you can't create your own happiness. Sometimes you don't even remember what happiness is. Sometimes you can't be in control of your own happiness because you need to reach out. So why do we keep putting it into people's heads these things that may sound so innocent, but to someone suffering from depression can be so hurtful? I find this absolutely heartbreaking. I know that I am not alone when I say that depression has destroyed my friendships, my involvement during my college career, and for a period of time, my happiness, along with much, much more. 


Let me say this, depression is not something you can see. You can't know someone has depression from looking at them. Why did I feel like I was the only person who has ever suffered from this disease? If 40,000 people die from suicide every year, why is it still so hard to tell people I needed an extra lift off the floor? 

Let me say this louder for those in the back: Depression does not have a "look!" People who wear all black and wear thick black eyeliner should not be the face of depression. You cannot judge someone from the outside if they have depression because you don't look like depression, you become depression. 

I am depression and I am not the girl dressed in all black making frequent trips to hot topic for death music and piercings. I am depression and I am the sorority girl who served on the executive board and loved to be involved in our sorority. I am depression and I am the girl who breezed through school and starts law school this year. No one ever had a clue that depression had overtaken my mental health and that I spent all of my time in my bed trying to hide the thoughts that depression injected into me. 

Every 15 minutes, someone takes their life.  While reading about the disease that made me want to take my own life, someone else has already taken theirs. Yet we still stigmatize and stereotype those that admit to having a mental health illness. I sometimes believe that depression ruined the "prime of my life," but I can finally start to LIVE and BREATHE and start conversations with others about this problem to hopefully keep someone from waiting too long to ask for a hand. 

Every day I will look down at my wrist and remember, "He is not done working on me." I will see the cross that Jesus died on to save me. I will see the semi-colon to remind me to pause, not give up. I will remember to start conversations about depression awareness. I will be reminded of my dark times, but thankful for the good ones. I will be reminded that I am winning a battle that society has not made easy to win. Every day will continue to be a struggle, but every day I will be reminded to not give up. 

If you need help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

And as always, ask for help. Never fear admitting you need more than you can give yourself.

A special thank-you to every single individual who has helped me, and continues to help me.