Living With Anxiety.

I'm emphasizing living in the title. Anyone who suffers from anxiety knows that it is a daily disease. It doesn't just randomly decide to come and go. It's always there. However, I'm not letting anxiety shut me down. You can't let anxiety win, no matter how difficult it may get. Being hopeful is an important part of the healing process

One of the hardest challenges with anxiety is that the people who are around you, that you trust will care for you when you need them, don't understand what it feels like to have anxiety, they only know what they see. The classic, "Just Relax!" treatment is the norm that is given from friends and family who don't understand what it is like to go through an anxiety or panic attack. Trying to explain yourself during an anxiety attack can cause friends to become more defensive and dismissive towards the situation, leading the individual to feel abandoned and alone. Experiences like this got me thinking about how frustrating, embarrassing and painful it can be to suffer from anxiety, and what I wish people would understand about the disorder.


Panic and anxiety disorders are NOT the same thing as your stress.
Biggest pet peeve, ever, is when I try to explain what an anxiety or panic attack is to someone who has never had one and they refer to what they do when they're "stressed." Even better is when they acknowledge that I may just be "stressed out" about an issue and be overreacting. While stress and anxiety can absolutely go hand-in-hand, everyone experiences stress - but not everyone experiences panic attacks and anxiety. By calling someone "stressed" when they are telling you that they're having an anxiety attack makes them feel invalidated, and only makes the sufferer feel misunderstood.


If I could "just relax," I would, trust me.
Do people think that someone enjoys having a panic or anxiety attack? This is one of the most baffling responses to a person in a state of panic or anxiety, in my opinion. I'm guessing that this comes from a place of discomfort or eagerness for the panic sufferer's attack to come to a stop, without realizing what exactly their saying. This is just like telling someone to "not feel sad" when they are depressed, telling someone who's having a panic attack to relax or calm down is not helpful - or even a possibility.

Anxiety is physically painful.

I feel like this one comes as a surprise for most people. Of course anxiety is emotionally painful, and the emotional pain is probably the worst of it - but most people know about the emotional pain but not how it physical impacts an individual. The sensation of your chest tightening during an anxiety attack to the point where you cannot breathe, and it leaves you gasping for your breath. But that's not it - anxiety causes headaches, palpitations, dizziness, insomnia, nausea, and so many other physically draining symptoms. That phrase, "is your stomach in knots?" is a real life scenario for some people who when are deeply anxious, hold their muscles so rigidly that they end up tearing or pulling them.

Yes, I know that I'm being irrational and overreacting.

No, this isn't just being over dramatic to receive your attention. No, you don't need to remind someone that they're being irrational. During a panic attack, the body fully believes that it is in imminent danger - the brain can generate a flood of stress hormones and your fight-or-flight mode can take over. So obviously this isn't a time where people will be able to think rationally. Instead of pointing out that someone is being irrational or overreacting, help me rationalize. Talk someone through the situation, remind them what their options are, but please don't hold judgment toward their "overreaction."


If you don't know what they need, ask.

The worst and most unkind thing that you can do to a person who has anxiety is to pile on, which can be a difficult thing to do, because it may be something you do without even realizing it. A lot of friends and family members say that they just don't know what to do when their loved ones are having a panic attack. It's really simple, just ask. Sometimes, the most comforting thing you can do for something during a panic attack is just to say "I'm here - let me know if there's anything I can do to help you through this." People who suffer from anxiety long to feel safe and understood, and by simply asking what you can do for them can provide them with the comfort that they need in order to start calming down.

Anxiety may be part of your life, but it doesn't have to be your life.

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Things Change.

Why is there so much pressure to have the "best 4 years of your life" when you go into college? It's like you have to prove to your family and friends back home about how much of a blast you're having with your new friends by constantly posting and bombarding social media with the images and videos of your adventures. Then when you leave, you assume that everything will remain the same as it was before you moved and left the place you called home the past four years. I guess it was a little naïve of me to think that.

I'm not so sure why I always get so hung up on people - why it hurts so much to let them go. I think about all of the memories that I've shared with someone and start to question their intentions from the start. Whether they did truly appreciate me as a friend or whether I was just an option when they had no one else to talk to or hang out with. Human relationships are so strange. It's strange how the person who once knew every single detail of your life doesn't know a single thing about you today. How sometimes it just ends so abruptly and there sometimes is really no explanation for it at all. Sometimes I get these waves of nostalgia where I miss the people in my past. Some of them I was so close to, or at least I thought that I was, and some of them I actually hated. Like HATED! So why do I miss them? I don't know, maybe I'm actually just missing the idea of them. The idea that at one point, I had one more friend. Because maybe then I wasn't so lonely?

Over the past month, I have really come to find realization of who my true friends are. I know how absolutely cheesy this sounds, but it's so true. You know, those individuals that even though you don't talk to or even see each other often, but when you do it's right back to where you guys were before? HOLD ON TO THOSE PEOPLE. Even though I hadn't seen most of my friends since I graduated college, there was no awkwardness and I didn't feel nervous or uncomfortable at any point. Friendships should be easy and come naturally. Instead of focusing on those who are no longer in my life, I'm currently trying to focus and appreciate the individuals who still are. How blessed am I to have people who actually think I'm worth enough to stick around for?

Know what you deserve and know your worth, so that you can surround yourself with people who make you feel wanted. I'm at that point in my life where I no longer have the time or energy to waste on meaningless interactions. Letting go is something I've always struggled with, but I can now finally say that I have.

Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever. The pain may be awful, it may hurt, it may sting, but it eventually fades away. Those individuals soon become a memory, a single chapter in your entire story. You grow as you age, and regardless of where your life takes you, the people who truly love and care for you will continue to grow with you. While some may stop, no matter where you go, there will be individuals who know you are worth sticking around for. Wait for those people, and slowly let go of the ones who have stopped growing with you.

"Why should I be sad? I've lost somebody who didn't care about me. But they lost someone who cared about them."



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Goodbye college, Hello Adulthood. 20 Signs You're Not a Student Anymore.

There is a time and a place for everything. Of course during our college years there are many things we do that are "college student typical." However, after graduation, you find yourself changing and not doing some of the same things you did for those four years away at college. As we grow into  adulthood, it's time for exploration, to venture out on our own and figure out what this new chapter in life will consist of. As we find this new found freedom of living away from home and without the limitations of our parental rules and regulations, we find ourselves in a unique season of life. After graduation most of us notice that we begin putting old habits and behaviors of college life aside, replacing them with the new mature and civilized ones. Obviously that doesn't mean we're in for a "boring adulthood," and we still like to have fun and have crazy adventures. Sometimes it just means we're adjusting to life. Balancing play with responsibilities and managing aspects of our lives we hadn't until now. While we may do a few of these things still, here are 20 signs that you are not a college student anymore....

1. You know the name of all of the people who are sleeping over.

2. 10 p.m. is when you go to bed, not begin your night.

3. You're the one calling the police because the rowdy people under you are interrupting your sleep, and you have to be at work at 6 a.m. the next day.

4. Friends are getting married and divorced, not hooking-up and breaking-up. 

5. A fire in the kitchen is no longer a laughing matter.

6. You don't get drunk before going to the clubs in order to save money.

7. You delete pictures of you standing on the bar taking shots, in fear of your employer seeing them. 

8. You're groceries don't disappear at random.

9. Your car insurance premiums go down and your car payments go up.

10. You won't find empty beer cans stacked in a pyramid in your living room.

11. 90% of the time you spend on the computer is for work.

12. You can remember what you did last night, and don't need your friends to show you the videos to remind you.

13. You go to work all day, and most days just want to come home and lay in bed with Chinese take-out and a glass of wine. 

14. You owe the IRS money instead of getting a yearly paycheck from them.

15. College students being to look younger and younger.

16. You hear your favorite songs during the throwback countdowns.

17. Taco Bell is no longer an option for eating out, and you don't make nightly trips at 1 a.m. when the bars close.

18. You no longer carry a backpack everywhere you go.

19. You don't wake up for your 8 a.m. job and decide to "skip" it today and catch up later.

20. You find yourself a lot less busy during finals week, while all your younger friends are in panic mode, living on energy drinks and two hours of sleep. 

While none of these things are labeled as "bad," they're just a few reasons why you know you're no longer a college student. Don't we all miss those late nights, Pour House shots, and skipping class when it was too cold outside. But life goes on, and we always have homecoming to go back and relive those college days. 

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Pause; now breathe.

A semi-colon is a place in a sentence where the author has the decision to stop with a period, but chooses not to. A semi-colon is a reminder to pause and then keep going. 

Philippians 1:6  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. 

*He is still working on me.*

Today I went with my family and allowed a tattoo artist to make a permanent reminder on my arm to keep going - and to not let depression win. I decided to write it in my own handwriting so that my mother could keep it with her forever, as well as making it a true part of myself. 

My junior year of college may have seemed like the best year of my college career. I moved into a new house, was halfway finished with my degree, and was involved in a sorority of 100+ sorority sisters. But by the end of the first semester, I was taking anti-depressants every morning just to get out of the bed. I lost friendships because I spent my free time alone. I let my grades slip because I couldn't focus during classes and ended up not going. Depression had started taking a lot of things away from me. By senior year, I was in high water with wedding planning, graduating, and finding a "big kid" job post-graduation. The stress that came with all of these events, wasn't helping the fact that I couldn't see any motivation for what should have been the happiest parts of my life. Depression was a shadow that followed me after graduation and into our new place in a new town, where we knew absolutely no one. I spent the first two months of our time in South County alone while Zachary worked, and I desperately searched for a job. I spent a lot of time letting depression become this cloud that would follow me around. I let depression be an excuse to stop doing the things that I loved. I let depression become the reason why I stopped connecting with my friends. I let depression become me. That's when I finally realized that I needed to break the relationship that me and depression had created.

There is not a doubt in my mind that the stigma that society has created around mental illness has made it much more difficult for struggling individuals to come forward to find the help that they need. For myself, asking for help meant trying to explain the unexplainable to someone who has never felt the feeling. Like trying to explain to a wall how to walk. It seemed impossible. Not only did it feel impossible, it felt pointless. So many times when I would just be quiet, or not wanting to "go out," I would get the guilt trip, "oh come on! Come have fun and don't be a party pooper!" How could I explain to those same people the feeling of depression, when all I expected to hear back was, "It'll be okay, just try and be happy." It's so much harder than that to be honest. And personally, I hate the quote, "You create your own happiness." I can't stand when people post this. Sometimes, you can't create your own happiness. Sometimes you don't even remember what happiness is. Sometimes you can't be in control of your own happiness because you need to reach out. So why do we keep putting it into people's heads these things that may sound so innocent, but to someone suffering from depression can be so hurtful? I find this absolutely heartbreaking. I know that I am not alone when I say that depression has destroyed my friendships, my involvement during my college career, and for a period of time, my happiness, along with much, much more. 


Let me say this, depression is not something you can see. You can't know someone has depression from looking at them. Why did I feel like I was the only person who has ever suffered from this disease? If 40,000 people die from suicide every year, why is it still so hard to tell people I needed an extra lift off the floor? 

Let me say this louder for those in the back: Depression does not have a "look!" People who wear all black and wear thick black eyeliner should not be the face of depression. You cannot judge someone from the outside if they have depression because you don't look like depression, you become depression. 

I am depression and I am not the girl dressed in all black making frequent trips to hot topic for death music and piercings. I am depression and I am the sorority girl who served on the executive board and loved to be involved in our sorority. I am depression and I am the girl who breezed through school and starts law school this year. No one ever had a clue that depression had overtaken my mental health and that I spent all of my time in my bed trying to hide the thoughts that depression injected into me. 

Every 15 minutes, someone takes their life.  While reading about the disease that made me want to take my own life, someone else has already taken theirs. Yet we still stigmatize and stereotype those that admit to having a mental health illness. I sometimes believe that depression ruined the "prime of my life," but I can finally start to LIVE and BREATHE and start conversations with others about this problem to hopefully keep someone from waiting too long to ask for a hand. 

Every day I will look down at my wrist and remember, "He is not done working on me." I will see the cross that Jesus died on to save me. I will see the semi-colon to remind me to pause, not give up. I will remember to start conversations about depression awareness. I will be reminded of my dark times, but thankful for the good ones. I will be reminded that I am winning a battle that society has not made easy to win. Every day will continue to be a struggle, but every day I will be reminded to not give up. 

If you need help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

And as always, ask for help. Never fear admitting you need more than you can give yourself.

A special thank-you to every single individual who has helped me, and continues to help me. 

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